Feelings unknown

I think every one of us has experienced an intense situation. One where you look back and think "I can't believe we made it through this" type of experience. And after it is all said and done, you finally get the release of all the emotions you were holding onto that come on like a flood. You can imagine that while we were in the hospital we had every emotion possible It was hard enough getting the shocking news that she had trisomy 18 and dealing with the fact that we were unable to, as parents, fix the problem that our little girl was faced with, but when we found out she had a fused trachea and esophagus and had to have surgery to fix it, we had a whole new battle to face.

Emmalynn was only born at 3 pounds and from the start, we were told that she had to have surgery to fix this problem which was causing a multitude of her other problems, but she could not have surgery until she was 5 pounds. 2 pounds doesn't sound like it would be a big deal at all. Pump her full of milk and lets get this party started right? WRONG! We went through trials and tribulations for 8 weeks waiting for this little girl to gain that 2 pounds. Emmalynn fought with her breathing tube and crashed a couple of times the first couple of weeks due to her tube getting pulled out just enough to stop working for her so on top of trying to get her feeds up and get her to gain weight, we were just trying to get this wiggle worm to keep her breathing tube in. One day her lolli commented on how big she was getting and my motherly instinct kicked in and I knew something was wrong. After 2 weeks and closing in on 4 pounds Emmalynn gets an infection, which to this day we have no idea what kind of infection she had, and it sets us back almost 6 weeks. She gained a pound of fluid over night. The team was stumped and it caused the doctors to pull every trick out of their knowledge hats to try to get this fluid off.

With every diaper, we either celebrated from finding a heavy diaper or we worried from it being too dry. Seeing our poor little girl go through such hardship slowly broke my heart but I kept on praying and I kept on believing that our little girl was going to make it through this. She made it this far despite what the doctors thought...she's a spitfire just like her daddy so she was going to kick this too :)

The doctors tried so many different things that I couldn't begin to list it all out. I even emailed some friends of mine in medical school to see if I could give the doctors suggestions but nothing was working. Dr. Marotti even told me I needed to prepare for the worst. Nope it wasn't her time and I knew it so I didn't prepare for anything but success and success we finally found in Dr. Arrington. The man who has saved our babies lives for 30 years figured it out. Double lasik 2 times a day finally did the trick and our little one was ready for her big day. We finally got the date for our surgery and we had our prayer warriors at work to get us prepared. Our family took off work to be at the hospital for the biggest, scariest day we have every experienced to provide us support and be there for little E.

Despite my faith and pure exhaustion from being at the hospital, I could not sleep a wink the night before her big day. I stayed up all night just watching my little girl and thinking about the things that this surgery meant. It meant that our little girl could finally be able to get some relief from the air pressure built up in her stomach. This meant that she would be able to start the journey towards healing and making it home. And most of all, it meant me and her daddy could hold her without fear that we were going to cause her to crash and inflict pain on her because of our selfish want to be near her. Think about if you were going to be going into surgery the next day...I know that I would be scared and restless and probably not the happiest person in the world. Not our baby. No our angel was happier than I think I had seen her to date. She was smiling and playing around all night. In a time that I am supposed to be strong and comforting her, she was providing me strength through her strength. It felt like she was looking and me and saying "mom its going to be ok. I got this".

(night before surgery)

God showed me His over abundance of peace through these eyes. The next morning we got up bright and early and got ready for the long wait. The surgeons came in and got us prepared once again on what to expect. He said it would be at least 3 hours until he would be done and they would come talk to us when it was over in the waiting room. Derek and I walked her to her surgery prep room and kissed her goodbye. Talk about the hardest moment since the day she first left for children's hospital. I hadn't left her side before this and all I wanted to do is hop on that bed with her and hold her during surgery. The doctor said no so I went ahead and held tight to Derek and walked to the waiting room. Our family was there with us waiting for the good news. We watched as doctor's came out and talked to parents in the waiting room to give them updates and also seeing families go back to a private room where they were receiving what we thought was horrible news. One blessing I received while waiting was I got to finally meet another mommy, Jill, who's beautiful daughter Ellie has trisomy 18. Her little girl is 8 years old and was having back surgery the same day Emmalynn was having surgery. Just talking to her gave me some hope for our future. So after talking for a little bit I went back to sitting patiently waiting on the doctor.

Ok truth...anyone who knows me knows it wasn't patiently haha. I asked the front desk at least 20 times if they knew anything but they kept answering the same way...no. After an hour and a half I walked back up towards the desk to ask them for another update when an individual called for Emmalynn's parents. Derek and I ran up to the man and he said the doctor wanted to talk to us by ourselves in the consultation room. Immediate panic set in. All the other doctors were coming out to the waiting room to talk to families, why was he taking us to a private room? Emmalynn wasn't supposed to be done for 3 hours and it had been half that time. What did this mean? Is our baby girl ok? I asked the man why he was taking us to a room and he said the doctor wanted to talk to us in private. My spirit sank. Thank goodness my husband was holding me because if not I would have fallen.

Derek and I leave our family in the waiting room and we go to find out the news from our doctor. Looking back I am reminded of what a strong bond me and Derek have even in the worst of situations. When I am weak, he gives me strength and no matter what happens, we know we have each other to turn to. How blessed can two people be?

The doctor finally comes in to tell us about the surgery and he automatically starts talking about the logistics and I guess in my fear I missed him saying the surgery was done. Once he finally quit talking I said, Wait she is out of surgery?. He laughed and said yes things went great. At that moment I started shaking profusely from release of tension, fear, anxiety, every negative emotion possible maybe. I just can't believe it. I hug him and thank him for taking care of our daughter and sit to gather myself for a minute before walking out to our family. To this day I admire him so much. God blessed this 6 foot something inch man, with huge hands, the ability to piece together God's tiny angels and fix their ailments.

I experienced a flood of emotions I have never had before. I walked out to our parents, went straight to my sister and said she is ok. But instead of laughing or smiling I just sob and fall into my sister's arms. My baby girl made it through the biggest obstacle she had faced this far and she did it with ease. I couldn't stop crying from pure joy...I realized I went into this day with dread that she was not going to make it. I had no control over the outcome and when I knew she was finally ok, I was overcome with happiness and relief. I will never forget the feeling of God's grace this day. No other way to describe it. Derek and I could finally breath a little easier knowing that we were on the downhill side of the mountain we had been facing for so long. Luckily the doctor warned me that she would look pretty bad after surgery and she did. She was very swollen with a bandage over her incision and a drainage pump to make sure her wound was healing properly. The team got her to the room and got her comfortable. Over the next few weeks she healed and we began the rest of our journey. And what a journey it ended up being.

Even in the worst of situations God was there. Even when I was mad, turned my back completely from Him and didn't believe that He was listening to me, He was there watching over His angel and our family. Providing strength and peace shining through the eyes of a 5 pound baby girl. The day I found out our little girl finally had some relief and could breath easier, I began to breath a little easier too. A day of her having surgery doesn't seem like it would be one of my happiest memories but I don't focus on the surgery. All I see is the day Emmalynn could finally breath air into her lungs and was pieced back together...when a little bit of each of us was pieced back together.