After the disaster that happened in Moore Oklahoma yesterday, I sit here with such a heavy heart. Tragic events hit everyone here on earth. It is part of the trials of this place before we get to live in the peace and majesty next to our Heavenly Father, but even knowing all of this, we still feel the pain now. While watching the news reports and seeing the pictures of the aftermath of the EF4 tornado, I can't help but think of the families that are left to sort through the rubble and find a way to move forward in their new world. As adults, we feel this responsibility and duty to protect children. They are so innocent and bring so much joy to our lives whether they are part of our family, children of our friends, or simply children we see on social media. Children touch our hearts with their smiles, laughter, quirky actions, and even with their temper tantrums because they do it with so much gusto. By being a part of a child's life, you not only get to help them grow and learn about life but they help you learn about yourself in the process. The bond I shared with Emmalynn was instant and does not go away even though she did. I still feel her in my arms sometimes and I still ache for her smile and to feel her tiny fingers wrapped around mine. You are changed once a child enters your life and you are not the same once they leave. I am not the same since she was brought into my life. I feel EVERYTHING which is sometimes a really bad quality. I over think EVERYTHING because of fear that if something isn't done perfectly or we don't explore every opportunity that things will be taken away from me. Is this rationale...absolutely not. Does it drive me and most definitely my husband crazy...absolutely but finding that place of comfort is hard. Moving forward is hard and is something you work on daily.
Every day is a battle. The ups and downs outside the hospital are sometimes as bad as when we were in there with her. At least while we were at the hospital I had Emmalynn but out here the reality is that she is gone. I can't be with her at least for a little while. I think the hardest part is that instinct we have to protect our children...the mother's instinct to make your child's hurts and pains go away. No matter what I did I couldn't make her pain go away. I couldn't correct her 18th chromosome. There was no gene of my own or body part or blood I could give her to make her better. And to this day I would give my life so that she could still be here. Its these emotions that stay when our children leave before we do.
I can still remember the first time I saw Emmalynn start to crash. It was the first time I got to hold her. I wanted to feel her in my arms and make her feel all the love I had for her and despite the tubes and the ivs the doctors and nurses thought it would be a good idea too. As soon as they moved her the oxygen level went down and she started to turn blue. Thank goodness the nurses stayed calm and they readjusted her breathing tube and she was fine but it was me and my desires that made her endure that. I blamed myself for that for days and felt terrible. Not too much later she did in fact crash and had to be resuscitated. My baby girls heart stopped. She turned from her pretty pink self to pure white. People all over the floor rushed over to save her. I still thank God for the quick responses of her nurse Shannon that night. This nurse was one of many angels put in our lives. She knew Emmalynn as well if not better than me and her quick response was what saved her life. All of these nurses were able to do something to help protect my child as we sat helpless on the sidelines watching. That is painful for a parent to go through. It is exactly what the parents in Moore had to go through last night as they waited to see if their children had made it. They wanted to help and many probably blamed themselves for not getting their children from school before the storm hit, but the truth is that everything that happens is in God's hands. We don't understand. It hurts me to know that these children died at the hands of this tornado but I have to believe that there is a purpose for all of this. I have to know that God's graces are abundant and He is going to heal these families. And I have to think that Emmalynn and all of our babies that got their wings too early were there to help greet these children as they entered into Heaven.
My husband always tells me that we need to focus on the positive things in life instead of insisting on looking at all the bad. We can make things worse for ourselves if we live in a world of negativity and drown in our pain. Grieving is good for the soul but moving forward is part of the process too. Knowing that despite the bad that is out in the world, there are so many good things that are still here. Hug your children. Tell them how special they are and how much you love them. Tell your husbands how important they are in their child's life and how much you love them. I could not have made it through the days in the hospital without Derek and I don't want to know a day that I have to be without him now. He showed strength when I had weakness and even now, he tries to understand when these emotions take over. He is a man of integrity, humility, and in my eyes is bigger than life. In the aftermath of a loss, the initial pain is just the beginning. Learning how to function and live life afterwards is the ongoing battle. God bless all the families that have suffered loss this week and all families who have lost a child. I pray God's arms are wrapped tightly around Moore Oklahoma and His peace fills the streets as they start to look forward.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
The beginning of our new world
Our journey is long and it is one filled with ups and downs but interlaced with numerous blessings. I am going to use this blog as an outlet for me but also in hopes that our story will somehow keep Emmalynn's story going. It will be a real expression of how I felt and and I feel. Raw, honest, and a true look at what happened and continues to happen from Emmalynn's life. The loss of a child is not something I would wish on anyone but I can say that I am happy that it happened. Im not happy I lost her but to have lost her meant I got to have her and even if it was only for a moment, it is a moment that I will have for the rest of my life and until I see her again. I KNOW I will see her again.
Emmalynn Rae. A name that my husband and I spent hours debating. Not just sitting around talking or looking at old family names. No that would be way too easy and just not as fun. My husband and I are some of the lucky ones. We love to be around each other and we goof around more than not so with her name, how could we make it anything other than fun. The easy way...No! Emmalynn Rae was the name that we picked using a very detailed process my husband Derek came up with.
I was about 6 months pregnant and I said, "Babe we HAVE to pick out a name soon. The baby is going to be here before we know it and we can't just say Hey You!". So one night when he was finally off work, my list already in hand, Derek sits down at the table for two hours and picks his two favorite names from each letter of the alphabet (throwing out all the "stupid" letters of course). After his search for the perfect sets, we sat for two more hours and made 18 more lists together, narrowing down our names and pairing the perfect middle name to come up with our baby girl's name. Emmalynn Rae. I can't imagine a better, southern girl name. It is a strong name meaning peaceful home; eager; universal. But what the books didn't tell us was Emmalynn also meant life changing, inspiring, and God's angel.
The day I found out I was pregnant was a little bit of a shocker. See we had just gotten married November 12th and were planning on waiting 2 years before we took the plunge, but God clearly had different plans. On January 4, 2012, my best friend Raechel told me to take a test. I just laughed at her and didn't believe it so much that I took at test at work just to prove her wrong. Silly me. Those 2 pink lines showed up and my world would be forever changed. Derek and I were as excited as any couple is to find out they are pregnant, after the shock wore off of course. We quickly told our family and friends, got our first appointment with the wonderful Dr. Laws, and I dove right in to research for nurseries. Our appointments were going smoothly until around my 6 month check up when we went in for an ultrasound.
I knew something was wrong when the tech did not share in the happy news of what was going on with our daughter. I knew when I asked if everything was ok that everything was not ok. Dr. Laws explained that I had a two vessel umbilical chord and our baby had cysts on her brain, although common separate, signaled something might be wrong, that she might have trisomy 18. After a level two ultrasound and no conclusive results, Derek, Emmalynn, and I went on to enjoy our pregnancy. We couldn't help but look up information on Trisomy 18, otherwise known as Edwards Syndrome, and let me tell you, the research is slim and grim. At this point we decided to release it from our hands and give it to God. Afterall, everything here on this earth is part of his bigger plan anyways right?!
Around 30 weeks, the day of our baby shower, Emmalynn tried to make her debut. Thanks to my wonderful husband, a fantastic set of nurses and doctors, and 6 days in the hospital we stopped the labor and I got sent home on bed rest. My stubborn beauty lasted a whopping 4 weeks before she demanded that she see our shining faces.
Talk about the scariest, most exciting moment of our lives. Derek was actually off work when we found out my water was broken, they rushed me to the hospital, my best friend and sister were right by my side in a matter of minutes, our families were in the waiting room and we were about to meet our baby girl. Laying on the table for my csection was scary but my rock, Emmalynn's daddy was there to wipe away my tears and hold my hand. Soon she would be here and soon I would get to finally hold the little girl I had been singing to, talking to, dancing with, crying with, carrying for the past 8.5 months. The surgery began, they got her out, we cried from happiness....but then there was silence...
Silence can be a joy for a mothers ears after hours of screaming but silence was my hell. I kept asking Dr. Laws "is she ok? she isn't crying". After a few minutes he finally answered me and said she was having breathing problems but they were working on her. I got a glimpse of her before they rolled her away to the NICU. I told Derek to follow her, I didn't want her to be alone. They whisked me off to recovery where I waited to hear from the doctor.
Ya know in the books, in the movies, in all of my friends lives, this is never how it seemed. You get pregnant, you have your baby, you hold your baby, and you get to bask in the joy of having your child and your family now complete. I never knew this was even an option for our baby. I ate right....I tried to even follow a 6 meal a day healthy diet that my friend Erin gave me from her nutritionist. I tried to stay fairly active. I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn't even paint without a mask! So why? Why is this happening to us? I had to sit and wait and wonder while the doctor examined my little girl.
Numb and scared the doctor comes in with Derek in tote. He explains that Emmalyn Rae has some physical abnormalities that point to a diagnosis of Trisomy 18 but more pertinent was that she had a TEF. Tracheal/Esophageal Fusion. Her Trachea and Esophagus were fused together and she was unable to breath without a machine. He wanted to send her to children's hospital right away because she would need surgery as soon as possible to release the air from her stomach. Ok seems simple enough. Send her to Little Rock Children's Hospital, have surgery, and we will fix her. All I asked was to see her before they took her. Maybe it was the drugs still in my system but looking back my naivety was remarkable.
Once they finally wheeled me to my room our whole family was there and when I say whole family that means about 30 people. It was a comfort to have everyone there. At this point, Derek and I told them the news together. He was going to be flying to Little Rock with Emmalynn while I stayed in the hospital in Fort Smith until I could be released. Derek got ready, I got sick, and we waited for the helicopter to arrive. Once they got her loaded and ready to go they brought her for me to see...all 3 pounds of her.
Hooked up to a million machines. I couldn't hold her, I couldn't kiss her, all I could do was hold her hand briefly. And in a second, I had to trust my entire world, my entire heart, my husband and my newborn daughter to the pilots of Life Flite One. I was a mess. Thank God for my family and my best friends. The next 24 hours were going to be long....if only I knew just how bad it was going to get.
Today I look back on the first days of our life with our daughter and it is like reliving a movie I saw, not real life. Not OUR life. It all came and went before I could comprehend. They say God only gives you what you can handle and I have to believe that is true because I never knew how strong I could be until I had no other options. Because without it, without me standing, my God supporting, and my husbands strength, the next 4 months and even now would be unbearable.
Emmalynn Rae. A name that my husband and I spent hours debating. Not just sitting around talking or looking at old family names. No that would be way too easy and just not as fun. My husband and I are some of the lucky ones. We love to be around each other and we goof around more than not so with her name, how could we make it anything other than fun. The easy way...No! Emmalynn Rae was the name that we picked using a very detailed process my husband Derek came up with.
The day I found out I was pregnant was a little bit of a shocker. See we had just gotten married November 12th and were planning on waiting 2 years before we took the plunge, but God clearly had different plans. On January 4, 2012, my best friend Raechel told me to take a test. I just laughed at her and didn't believe it so much that I took at test at work just to prove her wrong. Silly me. Those 2 pink lines showed up and my world would be forever changed. Derek and I were as excited as any couple is to find out they are pregnant, after the shock wore off of course. We quickly told our family and friends, got our first appointment with the wonderful Dr. Laws, and I dove right in to research for nurseries. Our appointments were going smoothly until around my 6 month check up when we went in for an ultrasound.
I knew something was wrong when the tech did not share in the happy news of what was going on with our daughter. I knew when I asked if everything was ok that everything was not ok. Dr. Laws explained that I had a two vessel umbilical chord and our baby had cysts on her brain, although common separate, signaled something might be wrong, that she might have trisomy 18. After a level two ultrasound and no conclusive results, Derek, Emmalynn, and I went on to enjoy our pregnancy. We couldn't help but look up information on Trisomy 18, otherwise known as Edwards Syndrome, and let me tell you, the research is slim and grim. At this point we decided to release it from our hands and give it to God. Afterall, everything here on this earth is part of his bigger plan anyways right?!
Talk about the scariest, most exciting moment of our lives. Derek was actually off work when we found out my water was broken, they rushed me to the hospital, my best friend and sister were right by my side in a matter of minutes, our families were in the waiting room and we were about to meet our baby girl. Laying on the table for my csection was scary but my rock, Emmalynn's daddy was there to wipe away my tears and hold my hand. Soon she would be here and soon I would get to finally hold the little girl I had been singing to, talking to, dancing with, crying with, carrying for the past 8.5 months. The surgery began, they got her out, we cried from happiness....but then there was silence...
Silence can be a joy for a mothers ears after hours of screaming but silence was my hell. I kept asking Dr. Laws "is she ok? she isn't crying". After a few minutes he finally answered me and said she was having breathing problems but they were working on her. I got a glimpse of her before they rolled her away to the NICU. I told Derek to follow her, I didn't want her to be alone. They whisked me off to recovery where I waited to hear from the doctor.
Ya know in the books, in the movies, in all of my friends lives, this is never how it seemed. You get pregnant, you have your baby, you hold your baby, and you get to bask in the joy of having your child and your family now complete. I never knew this was even an option for our baby. I ate right....I tried to even follow a 6 meal a day healthy diet that my friend Erin gave me from her nutritionist. I tried to stay fairly active. I didn't drink. I didn't smoke. I didn't even paint without a mask! So why? Why is this happening to us? I had to sit and wait and wonder while the doctor examined my little girl.
Numb and scared the doctor comes in with Derek in tote. He explains that Emmalyn Rae has some physical abnormalities that point to a diagnosis of Trisomy 18 but more pertinent was that she had a TEF. Tracheal/Esophageal Fusion. Her Trachea and Esophagus were fused together and she was unable to breath without a machine. He wanted to send her to children's hospital right away because she would need surgery as soon as possible to release the air from her stomach. Ok seems simple enough. Send her to Little Rock Children's Hospital, have surgery, and we will fix her. All I asked was to see her before they took her. Maybe it was the drugs still in my system but looking back my naivety was remarkable.
Once they finally wheeled me to my room our whole family was there and when I say whole family that means about 30 people. It was a comfort to have everyone there. At this point, Derek and I told them the news together. He was going to be flying to Little Rock with Emmalynn while I stayed in the hospital in Fort Smith until I could be released. Derek got ready, I got sick, and we waited for the helicopter to arrive. Once they got her loaded and ready to go they brought her for me to see...all 3 pounds of her.
Today I look back on the first days of our life with our daughter and it is like reliving a movie I saw, not real life. Not OUR life. It all came and went before I could comprehend. They say God only gives you what you can handle and I have to believe that is true because I never knew how strong I could be until I had no other options. Because without it, without me standing, my God supporting, and my husbands strength, the next 4 months and even now would be unbearable.
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