Building a bond

A bond between two people is a very tender and vulnerable experience. It is where walls are broken down and raw emotions are shared without fear, instead excitement and love. I woud like to say that my bond with emmalynn was instant but it wasnt. My love for her was instant and my protection over her was instant, but the bond shared between mother and daughter was delayed. Maybe because she was taken from me so soon after she was born. Maybe because I was overcome by other emotions that I couldnt even focus on building my bond with her. Most likely it was my overwhelming fear of hurting her and, in all honesty, of actually having the real possibility of touching her wrong and killing her. Our situation was so intense that it took a while for me to feel confident as a mother and to allow myself to not be afraid of making mistakes. I remember the first diaper I changed, I lifted her the wrong way and it made her breathing tube dislodge and she started to crash. Can you imagine the fear of taking care of her? How was I supposed to be her mom when I couldnt even touch her without an alarm going off telling me I was doing it wrong? Well thank God for putting angels in Arkansas Children’s Hospital to help allow my bond to build. I remember the day it happened. The love that oozed out of me from that moment on is nothing short of a blessing.

Rules were distinct and endless in the NICU. Don’t touch this. Don’t look here. Don’t be there. So obviously, as new parents already afraid of the circumstances, we were very aware of the rules and tried our best to follow them. Because things seemed so strict, I never even considered the possibility of making Emmalynn’s pod (the unit she stayed in) her own. One night while I was standing by Emmalynn’s bed, one of the soon to be primary nurses Miranda asked me if I had any sheets to put on her bed. I looked at her in awe like “are we pulling a super sneak attack and playing dumb like we don’t know that we only can use the plain white sheets that feel like sand paper?” I said no I didn’t know that was an option. She laughed and said this is your baby, you can do whatever you want. Imagine trumpets blaring from the gates of Heaven and my reality setting in. This is still my baby. We are in a less than ideal situation but this is still my baby and by gosh she is not a plain white sheet kind of girl. After that day, I don’t think anything that touched her was plain white if it was not mandatory. She also helped me put on Emmalynn’s first bow. And if you look through her pictures, Emmalynn rarely had a naked head. Miranda gave me the gift of starting to find Emmalynn’s style and starting to build my bond as a mother taking care of her child.

After two weeks of ups and downs and still not having the chance to hold my little girl, Dr Lyle and Jesse decided that us holding Emmalynn might be just what she needed to help her heal. In that moment, I was able to feel her in my arms, cradle her like I had always imagined, and watch as her daddy, so big and strong, softly embrace her like any other father would hold his daughter. In this moment, the reality of our family growing stronger and the bonds developed were iron clad. Not just mother and daughter but my bond with my husband as parents. As we continued to watch how the nurses and doctors handled Emmalynn, and our natural instinct kicked in, our ability to care for Emmalynn soon was easy. Dr. Lyle gave us confidence to physically handle our baby as if the machines were imaginary.

Shannon, Emmalynn’s nurse from the first night that we had throughout her journey, was the first to ask me about painting her nails. I was in shock. I could paint her nails!! Of course I want to paint her nails. Mani/Pedi day with my girl? That is every mother’s dream day! After about a month, we were allowed to dress Emmalynn and her daddy put on her first outfit. This was the beginning of styling sessions each morning, either by a group of nurses going through her outfits and voting on the best, or by me standing over her drawers making sure she was dressed to impress her boyfriend Dr Lyle. This little girl was dressed better than me on even my best day. I wanted her to experience everything every other little girl experienced. By giving her everything I could she was giving me everything I could ever ask for. We even tried tummy time which is supposedly the most comfortable position for babies, babies who have been moved around and molded correctly. Poor Emmalynn was not able to turn her head so her tummy time was face flat in the mattress time. Even though she was not able to do it for long, she even had tummy time on my chest and I got to kind of feel her face nuzzled in my neck. I got to where I would prepare to hold her for 3 to 4 hours. (we could only get her up once a day and I was going to make it last) I would eat, go to the bathroom, and strategically place my drink, phone, and blanket next to me so that nothing could interrupt our mother daughter time. My heart was hers and no one and nothing could come between that…not even restroom breaks haha.

Emmalynn even had a best friend and had her one and only picture with another baby made with her. Claire was another baby we met while at children’s hospital and she also had trisomy 18. We were blessed to meet her and her parents Lauren and Kyle through passing in our pod. Derek and I walked by her each day we wanted to meet them through curiosity because they looked a lot like each other and when I say looked like each other, I mean they both had rockin style and natural beauty of course. When we first met, we had no idea the kind of bond we would hold. This family soon became our family. We shared each milestone together. Each week birthday we would celebrate together. Our dinners were family affairs on the patio. The first poopy diaper was shared through our glass wall divider met with shrills of genuine joy for each other because it was a beautiful gift we were waiting to uncover in those stinky diapers. To this day, I still talk with Claire’s mom and find comfort knowing that our babies are playing together in the presence of our Lord. All of this must sound so trivial but when you are placed in a situation with a medically fragile child, even these small things are huge occurrences that dont come naturally because we are in an unnatural circumstance. Yes I know how to put an outfit and a bow on a baby. I have changed diapers and painted nails and toenails many times but this was so different! It was like riding a bike for the first time, terrifying when the security of our parents' hand was taken off the seat but the best feeling in the world when we realized we could handle it on our own.

Our time at the hospital showed me how to be a mom, how to love someone unconditionally and allow myself to let people in completely, and even more, it showed me how your actions can change the course of someone’s day and provide support and comfort without knowing it. Our nurses Miranda, Shannon, Stephanie, lisa, amber, Ashley, Lindsey, Molly, Jesse, Mike, Erin, and of course Dr Lyle provided encouragement with simply showing faith in our ability to be parents despite the machines. Despite the medical conditions. Their faith in our ability helped to create the courage I needed to let myself be her mom and to let our bond grow. That is a gift that nurses give every day and get little to no recognition for. I can never thank them enough for their support. My bond with my daughter is stronger than I could ever imagine even after she left us. I now have a perfect angel holding part of my heart in heaven.