After the disaster that happened in Moore Oklahoma yesterday, I sit here with such a heavy heart. Tragic events hit everyone here on earth. It is part of the trials of this place before we get to live in the peace and majesty next to our Heavenly Father, but even knowing all of this, we still feel the pain now. While watching the news reports and seeing the pictures of the aftermath of the EF4 tornado, I can't help but think of the families that are left to sort through the rubble and find a way to move forward in their new world. As adults, we feel this responsibility and duty to protect children. They are so innocent and bring so much joy to our lives whether they are part of our family, children of our friends, or simply children we see on social media. Children touch our hearts with their smiles, laughter, quirky actions, and even with their temper tantrums because they do it with so much gusto. By being a part of a child's life, you not only get to help them grow and learn about life but they help you learn about yourself in the process. The bond I shared with Emmalynn was instant and does not go away even though she did. I still feel her in my arms sometimes and I still ache for her smile and to feel her tiny fingers wrapped around mine. You are changed once a child enters your life and you are not the same once they leave. I am not the same since she was brought into my life. I feel EVERYTHING which is sometimes a really bad quality. I over think EVERYTHING because of fear that if something isn't done perfectly or we don't explore every opportunity that things will be taken away from me. Is this rationale...absolutely not. Does it drive me and most definitely my husband crazy...absolutely but finding that place of comfort is hard. Moving forward is hard and is something you work on daily.
Every day is a battle. The ups and downs outside the hospital are sometimes as bad as when we were in there with her. At least while we were at the hospital I had Emmalynn but out here the reality is that she is gone. I can't be with her at least for a little while. I think the hardest part is that instinct we have to protect our children...the mother's instinct to make your child's hurts and pains go away. No matter what I did I couldn't make her pain go away. I couldn't correct her 18th chromosome. There was no gene of my own or body part or blood I could give her to make her better. And to this day I would give my life so that she could still be here. Its these emotions that stay when our children leave before we do.
I can still remember the first time I saw Emmalynn start to crash. It was the first time I got to hold her. I wanted to feel her in my arms and make her feel all the love I had for her and despite the tubes and the ivs the doctors and nurses thought it would be a good idea too. As soon as they moved her the oxygen level went down and she started to turn blue. Thank goodness the nurses stayed calm and they readjusted her breathing tube and she was fine but it was me and my desires that made her endure that. I blamed myself for that for days and felt terrible. Not too much later she did in fact crash and had to be resuscitated. My baby girls heart stopped. She turned from her pretty pink self to pure white. People all over the floor rushed over to save her. I still thank God for the quick responses of her nurse Shannon that night. This nurse was one of many angels put in our lives. She knew Emmalynn as well if not better than me and her quick response was what saved her life. All of these nurses were able to do something to help protect my child as we sat helpless on the sidelines watching. That is painful for a parent to go through. It is exactly what the parents in Moore had to go through last night as they waited to see if their children had made it. They wanted to help and many probably blamed themselves for not getting their children from school before the storm hit, but the truth is that everything that happens is in God's hands. We don't understand. It hurts me to know that these children died at the hands of this tornado but I have to believe that there is a purpose for all of this. I have to know that God's graces are abundant and He is going to heal these families. And I have to think that Emmalynn and all of our babies that got their wings too early were there to help greet these children as they entered into Heaven.
My husband always tells me that we need to focus on the positive things in life instead of insisting on looking at all the bad. We can make things worse for ourselves if we live in a world of negativity and drown in our pain. Grieving is good for the soul but moving forward is part of the process too. Knowing that despite the bad that is out in the world, there are so many good things that are still here. Hug your children. Tell them how special they are and how much you love them. Tell your husbands how important they are in their child's life and how much you love them. I could not have made it through the days in the hospital without Derek and I don't want to know a day that I have to be without him now. He showed strength when I had weakness and even now, he tries to understand when these emotions take over. He is a man of integrity, humility, and in my eyes is bigger than life. In the aftermath of a loss, the initial pain is just the beginning. Learning how to function and live life afterwards is the ongoing battle. God bless all the families that have suffered loss this week and all families who have lost a child. I pray God's arms are wrapped tightly around Moore Oklahoma and His peace fills the streets as they start to look forward.
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